The Curve Ball
So I’ve been avoiding writing this post for a while, letting things develop further until I was absolutely sure what was up.
Two big announcements:
#1: Not sure if I mentioned this or not, but I got hired at Torrid in the mall right next to school. I was very excited to get the job. I’ve been there a few weeks and things are going great. A couple weeks ago I started freaking out, thinking I wasn’t doing very well, that I wasn’t able to sell and connect with the customers, but then the following week I just flipped a switch in my brain and was all sell, sell, sell! Its been getting easier every day.
Everybody there is very friendly and supportive. They really encourage us to enjoy our job, which I love. But this isn’t so much the curve ball I alluded to, nor such a Big Deal, though it does come into play here in a couple minutes.
#2: I’m taking some time off of school. I keep struggling and struggling and I feel like I’m trying to spring up a sand dune and just slipping farther and farther below where I’m supposed to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I love learning new things. I actually like school, I like the challenge, but I’m still doing poorly for no reason. I get my bouts of The Mean Reds, loose motivation and focus and end up tearing apart my grades and attendance because of it. Finally, this quarter I’ve reached my wits end with this. Obviously I need to try something different; maybe I’m just burnt out, maybe this school isn’t the fit for me, maybe SCHOOL just isn’t for me. Whatever the reason, I need to just step back and try something else. Its not to say I’ll never get a degree, or I’ll never come back to this school; I’ll make those decisions when the time is right.
For the longest time I’ve felt like I’m not as progressed in life as I should be. I feel like I’m one stop behind where I want to be. I was like this in high school, too, always wanting to move on. And right now, I still feel like I’m trapped at age 18 and not ‘living’ life yet. I want to be an adult, I want to be responsible for myself. I want to stop relying on my family to help dig me out of the holes I keep digging for myself.
The hardest part about this is admitting my family was right. Part of the difficulty I have being up here is that my parents aren’t really (and never have been) supportive of the IDEA of me going to this school. Eventually they resigned themselves to ‘well, its what she wants…’ and are kind of supportive about it. Its hard to tell, with my parents. My grandma is the only one who is supportive at all. I guess you could say my dad is supportive, but only in the sense that he’s desperate to seem supportive so that I don’t crash and burn in a heap of wallowing ashes.
I always tell my dad that most of my difficulties in being up here is that I hit my depressive states and can’t do the things I need to do. He gets depressed himself, but somehow sees mine as a choice. As if I choose to be depressed and screw over my expensive education.
Another factor in the decision to take some time off is that I finally took my head out of the sand and asked to see how much exactly I’m in debt for school so far. Its scary. I pretty much made up my mind right there and then that I couldn’t continue at this school. I mean, if I already owe so much, and another year on top of that would be $20K more? Jesus, and I’m not that great of a student–I just can’t rationalize that cost anymore.
Finally, I’ve been taught all the things I really want to know for what I want to do. At this point, I could get an internship or maybe even an entry level position. It would take more work than having the BA at the end of my name, but when I’m determined, I usually figure out a way to make things happen.
So. I’m kinda excited to be moving back to St. Louis. Once I had made the decision, I’ve felt more light, like I have less burden on my shoulders. I was a little sad to be putting off school, but I know in my heart that this decision is right for me, right now. I went back to the therapist I saw back in December when I was struggling with school and told her of what I was thinking of doing. I wanted to see if I was just playing fantasy in my head, or if these were sound reasons to make this decision. She re-assured me that it was good reasoning.
One of the main reasons I hesitated to making this choice was regret. I was afraid I’d regret making this decision later on, and her response was so insightful: regret is a choice, too. You CHOOSE to feel regretful over something–just don’t look at it in a regretful way, and you’ll be fine.
Now, my biggest hurdle is my dad. He still thinks this is a temporary thing, like just three months off of school. And it is–it is definitely just a trial period. If things don’t pan out like I thought they would, I would figure out how to get back in school. Maybe I’d go to the art institute in Kansas City where my aunt lives; at least there I’d have family who supports and loves me.
When I told my dad about this idea, he very characteristically flippppppped outttt. His BIGGEST concern is the money. He is sooooo freakin’ afraid I’m going to default on my loans and he’d end up paying. My mom ended up having to pay on part of my brother’s student loan–this is all my dad sees in me when I mention things like this. And of course, hes going to be thinking I’m ungrateful to all of the help he’s done in making that dream come true, but I am a different person today than I was when I finished HS. Totally different. I want different things in life now.
I mean, I’m considering getting dread locks, I’m that much of a hippie these days. 😀
One thing is for certain–I WILL be persuing a career in post-production and motion graphics. And that is because I’m passionate about it, and I know it will give me the paycheck I need to pay off that massive pile of student loan.
Oh, one last thing, I mentioned working at Torrid; I’m going to see if they can transfer me to St. Louis. There are two stores down there, so I’m hoping one of them could use somebody for at least a few hours a week. That way, I can still have somewhat of a paycheck while I look for another job (if needed, what luck if they really do need to fill a position!) Also, the Jo-Anns I worked at in St. Peters just moved to a larger location, so perhaps they’ll need a knowledgeable customer service expert to add to their team! But, I think at that point, if i do go back to Jo-Anns, I may start on the path to being a manager… I mean, if I’m not in school, might as well, right?
Agh, its like a stream of consciousness today. though i did warn i was long winded. but that is what is happening…
Life in Motion: 